18 12 / 2012
I would like to say I’ve been too busy to write. But really, I’ve just been leading a quiet life of solitude and suffering. Really. I feel like I’m not just saying that. I feel like I don’t want anything in the world more than for a little taste of sunshine and happiness. Ease of living.
It just isn’t happening. I haven’t found a job yet and my will is wearing thin.
My father called me an idiot today and it hurt more than I expected it would. Something about compounded wounds.
The book I’m reading has pages that are as soft as silk. I wonder how they make that happen. One thing I do when I read, and have always done, is take the page between my fingers and rub them together as if sampling some sort of luxurious fabric, lightly and softly, then I will press harder so that the page makes that sht-t-t-t-t sound. Over, and over, and over. It’s a fidget. A book-reading fidget. When I eat at a restaurant, my eating fidget is tearing up a napkin into ever smaller pieces. Do you ever notice you do different fidgets for different things? When I am watching television I stroke my hair and bend the strands so I can see the colors reflecting in the light. Or, I take off all my rings one by one and put them back on. Is fidgeting a neurosis?
A good book, as a material, is far better than any fabric, in my opinion. Both to the touch and to the nose.
Nothing can beat a good smelling book.
10 12 / 2012
“You can’t save the whales by eating whales, but paradoxically, you can help save rare, domesticated foods by eating them. They’re kept alive by gardeners who have a taste for them, and farmers who know they’ll be able to sell them. The consumer becomes a link in this conservation chain by seeking out the places where heirloom vegetables are sold, taking them home, whacking them up with knives, and learning to incorporate their exceptional tastes into personal and family expectations. Many foods placed on the Ark of Taste have made dramatic recoveries, thanks to the seed savers and epicurean desperadoes who defy the agents of gene control, tasting the forbidden fruits, and planting more.”
So, you may not know this about me, but I think about food a lot. I have read a lot, done a lot of research, and studied the food system of America for the bulk of my college education. That is what I was MOST interested in. I don’t really like talking about it with people, because it’s really difficult to change people’s views on food, because a lot of the time food is connected to us psychologically. SHIT, FOOD IS SO IMPORTANT if you think about it. IN SO MANY WAYS. Anyway, the food system is going to hell in a handbasket and is becoming really LUDICROUS and unsustainable and dangerous. And isn’t it exciting to think that you could be the one with the sweet garden when the system fails and you’re jamming out to some heirloom vegetables and chicken eggs?
I swear, someday I am going to grow my own food. Someday, someday. Meanwhile, I’m stuck without a job or money or a garden.
The importance of local food slips past so many people. We’re all used to buying food so cheaply without thinking about why it’s so cheap. It’s subsidized and modified and produced, planted, harvested to be the cheapest possible. It doesn’t mean it’s good for you or anyone else. This kind of food doesn’t benefit anyone besides the owners of the production of said food (not the farmers, even).
I AM JUST SAYING, if I had it my way, people would only eat what they could buy locally, and GMO wouldn’t exist. I mean, it is possible to live that way, it’s not some luxury afforded yuppies only. It takes more energy and respect for what you put into your body hour and day and month and year after year. If it’s not important then I don’t know what is.
Like, don’t tell me that shit isn’t important. I can’t think of anything more important than food. Maybe love, but that’s an abstract concept, and I’m not trying to get abstract and weird right now.
And I’m not even saying be militant about it, everyone only do this, be this way, don’t eat dinner at your dad’s house who shops at winco. Just relax, and maybe think a little bit about how cool it would be to grow some things for yourself. Just think about how cool that would be. Also think about how cool it sounds to eat a meal made from things that grew in your town or whatever. Is that not cool? I don’t know. I think it is. You’re not a bad person for chowing down on some fast food once in a while. nobody is. we are hard wired to LOVE THAT SHIT. All I am saying is just think about it.
Doesn’t anybody think about how cool it would be to live on a farm with all of your friends? Nobody? Am I the only one? :(
09 12 / 2012
Feeling really grateful for my long silky hair these days. Glad I grew it out. I can just hang out and braid my hair and shit. It’s rad.
On another note, I may or may not be getting a job this week. A temp job. Let’s hope so, so I don’t go insane in the Grinch’s castle.
Bye I’m going to paint my nails and grow my hair even longer!
01 12 / 2012
30 11 / 2012
Three things I couldn’t live without:
- Lemon Ginger tea
- A fat ass pillow
27 11 / 2012
I read today that “we may work or exert courage in directions other than toward spiritual growth, and for this reason all work and all courage is not love. But since it requires the extension of ourselves, love is always either work or courage. If an act is not one of work or courage, then it is not an act of love. There are no exceptions.” In other words, if it is not difficult, if it is not scary, then it is not an act of love. All acts of love are either difficult or scary. You cannot say that you have committed an act of love if you have not labored or extended yourself through fear.
I have received fateful signs before. This one was pretty subtle but needless to say I feel as if my efforts and my pain and my suffering are not in vain. For the first time in a long time I feel real hope. Which sounds…corny in a way but I’m being entirely serious. As evidenced in my last post, my life has not been fun these past six months. Yes, I know, I moved to another country…isn’t that supposed to be fun? Why don’t you fucking try it. Also the pizza I had last night was great.
On another note…I don’t believe I have fully explained how important my cat has become since I moved back to Eugene. A little background is that her name is Babba, and we got her when I was like…11 or 12 I feel like. Maybe older. Anyway, I had never had a great relationship with her because she is a skittish cat, and not very affectionate. Not a lap cat by any means. But since my mom was gone for a month, and since the big bully cat left, she has been most affectionate. In all of my anger, suffering, upheaval and loneliness since I’ve returned she has been by my side, watching Seinfeld, purring and making me smile. Talking to me. Not recoiling when I pet her.
I am not a cat person. I don’t prefer cats. I think they are cold and unfeeling creatures who could care less about a person besides around meal time. I am realizing that they are just subtle creatures who have very strong personal space boundaries. This doesn’t mean I am willing to deal with a litter box, though.
In other news, I got my first response from an employer today, and the Mayan apocalypse prediction is completely false and basically a lie perpetuated by the tourist industry. Both facts. Goodbye!
25 11 / 2012
I ate pizza for dinner the last 30 days I was in Denmark because I was too depressed to cook meals and I pretty much gave up on leaving the house. So…needless to say, I have been pretty burnt out on pizza since I left.
But I think I am finally coming out of it because tonight I have had a sore hankerin’ for some pizza. Oh boy… I know what’s for dinner tomorrow! Good thing there is a Sy’s in North Eugene now.
22 11 / 2012
- Woke up to the sound of torrential rain for the third day in a row.
- Applied to an amazing job that I’m totally qualified for that pays really well.
- Went to the Fifth Street market today for the first time in I don’t know how long. I can’t believe how much it has changed.
- Made a decision to cut my bangs myself because I don’t have any money, and that shit is getting gross.
- Looking forward to Thanksgiving tomorrow, even though it is a shitty holiday. I’m just glad I get to spend a day off with my mom and cook some delicious food.
- Figuring out that I am just one person out of a group of people who are all applying for the same jobs. Maybe I just have to “do my time” and I’ll rise to the top of the hiring pile. Not having a job and actively looking for one is super depressing. Especially when you don’t even get calls back. I’m keeping my hopes up though.